Let there be quotes!

I’ve been collecting these in a draft post for a few weeks now, time to clean house. Or blog, rather.

Brandie: Did you by any chance re-caulk our bathtub today?
Me: No...
Brandie: Well, somebody did.

Daddy: Did you fix the grammatical error in your last post?
Me: What error?
Daddy: You have "tool" and I think you meant "fool."
Me: No, I meant tool, it's slang.
(later)
Mom: It's slang? I've never heard it and I'm cool, I'm hip to the jive.

Anonymous friend, re: basketball
“Re-fucking-bound!!!”

Co-worker, re: octuplets
"I mean, they limit how many dogs you can have..."

Re: Cameron Crazies at the Duke game
Me: I hate their striped shirts. They look like they escaped from prison, that's not attractive!
Brandie: Umm...they're referees. They have to wear them.
Me: The students, not the refs!
Brandie: Oh, you mean the Where's Waldo kids?

“Who is MIA - is that Mia as in a first name or is someone missing in
action? I am guessing it is a woman or a whole bunch of women who
are pregnant.”
-Mom

My metro driver, among many humorous things he said, regarding the massive delays this morning:
“Sorry about the interruption, folks. Someone came up to the window for some special attention. I don’t mind, but it means I have to take my attention away from the rest of you all.”

“Well, this is just about as bad as I’ve ever seen it. You can switch to the green or yellow lines at L’enfant, which, you know, isn’t a bad idea. But it’s your choice, of course.”

“I do apologize for making you late to wherever you are trying to get to, be it work, school, home…or play.”

(Naturally, I want to know who is going to “play” at nine in the morning.)

Saturday in DC

I had a good day last Saturday...

I started at the Archives, but the line was too long and too full of children, so I went to sit by the skating rink at the sculpture garden.

But I realized I was only accelerating my trip to Hell by laughing at people falling, and made myself leave. Pit stop at bookstore, then walked to the Renwick Galley, passing by the White House:

I had never been to this gallery and really like it. It’s quite small, but nice so as to not be overwhelmed by so many pieces. They have “American crafts,” so there were highly skilled quilts or woodwork, really my type of gallery.

I then walked to the Portrait Gallery/Art Museum. The American Art Museum, in conjunction with the Renwick, made a mural of Presidents Obama and Lincoln in honor of Presidents’ day. However, it wasn’t just any mural, it was made out of 5,000 cupcakes.

They were giving them away when they were done, which is how I came to have a volunteer ask, “Obama nose?,” and then hand over two exceptionally delicious cupcakes. The little girl beside me got "the twinkle in his eye." I contemplated knocking her down for them but again, no need to accelerate the express train to hell.
And just to make it clear, and to be perfectly honest, if someone said they were making a mural out of Stalin and Lenin with 5,000 cupcakes, and you could get some free after 5 p.m., I'd be there too. But unlike the Obama and Lincoln cupcakes, which tasted like freedom, I assume Stalin and Lenin ones would taste a bit more tyrannical, with maybe some of the blood of the workers thrown in for good measure.

(I was pointing this out to try and make me sound less like a raging liberal for eating Obama cupcakes, but I don’t think it worked. Besides, he's president now, so it's just being a good patriot.)

Die, snow, die

I take it all back. I hate the snow. Or more specifically I hate:

• When snow combines with rain and does not stick or accumulate in excess of three inches, but still makes the sidewalks slick. (If I can’t play in or eat it, I am not interested.)
• When the snow-rain mixture seeps into my admittedly ill-advised choice of ballet flats, soaking the bottom of my jeans, said flats, and my socks, freezing them to my toes when I still have five blocks left to walk.

Thankfully I am on a street full of shops and Starbucks, and will take a brief break to buy some new socks and warm my frigid feet and heart.

Just once I’d like to realize my shoes are not waterproof before they are soaked. Previously my main criterion to purchasing shoes was that I be able to wiggle my toes. I am going to have to amend that and demand they survive a dunking in a swimming pool. That ought to make the shop assistants really happy.

I have about six posts in drafts, so I may be a bit blog happy this week.

How Corrupt is DC?

In line at GW for the Ben Folds/Jason Mraz concert, a father comes up to the girls behind us with his tween daughters in tow, and pays them to let his kids cut in line. The exchange went something like this:

"Hey, did I forget to give you $10 to buy a round of drinks because these girls forgot to get in line with you earlier?"

At least the daughters had the decency to look embarrassed, but he sure didn't. And seriously, we are in a recession, and it's D.C., a $10 bribe? That's chump change. Not to mention how after happy hour it probably buys a drink, certainly not a round.

He's lucky he didn't offer this to the roomie and I, who were, by the way, clearly the oldest people in line. She's in business school and therefore knows how to negotiate, and I'm both mean and a hater of line-cutters, so we would have required a significantly bigger pay-off.

However, the concert was amazing. It was great to see a Carolina boy do so well. I had no idea that someone who plays the piano could put on such an energetic performance. Among many other great songs, he sang Brick, which made my seventh grade self almost cry.
Jason Mraz was good as well, though quite mellow in comparison. And though I have 2.5 of his albums, I only recognized half of his songs. (Apparently they are all on that one half of his first album I don't have.) He did sing some that brought me right back to senior year of college, which is weird, when you're surrounded by undergrads and think that you haven't changed that much, but clearly have.
Next post: how I ate Obama's nose.

Why I Should be Commerce Secretary

A non-comprehensive, incredibly shallow, hooray it's Friday list.

1. I am well-skilled in the intricacies and importance of commerce. In other words, I have a black-belt in shopping. And yes, it relates. Nothing prepares you for the patience and understanding needed in negotiating like fighting the crowds on Oxford Street at Christmas. Not to mention the perseverance and maneuvering required when working a deal, such as on Black Friday after Thanksgiving.
2. I don't really understand the stimulus bill so therefore, I won't resign because I don't agree with it. And no, I don't think my lack of understanding would prevent me from doing my job. Do you honestly think anyone understands it? I didn't think so.
3. I would give the best press conferences ever! If you've seen The West Wing where Josh has to hold the press briefing for C.J., you can imagine how fun mine would be. And I'd totally steal Karey's idea of making a "stupid row," which makes them even more enjoyable. And when was the last time you got excited about watching a press conference on CNN? (Unless you're me because I love them.)
4. I don't really like numbers, so I'll be switching everything to colors and shapes. I mean, which sounds better to you?
   
   a. The United States is $30 trillion in debt.
   b. The United States is four green hearts and a red star in debt.
   
   If you think a sounds better, then you probably shouldn't be reading my blog. You know who you are.
5. I was secretary of many clubs in high school, therefore I am used to carrying the title of "secretary," and am aware of the burdens and responsibilities that come with it.
6. I have no outstanding tax issues. In fact, I'm so good at paying my taxes, I paid the government last year for money I didn't even make in this country. (And while I am still bitter about it, at least I paid.)
7. I have been to the Chamber of Commerce building in Goldsboro, it is not bad looking, I presume the position has something to do with those. And if you've seen one, I'm pretty sure you've seen them all.
8. I will donate my salary to asssist in re-vitalizing our economy, since I'll be keeping my current job. I mean, I really like it and I just got a raise and changed offices. Also, I think commerce secretary is just sort of a figurehead anyway, right?

To be continued...once I find out what exactly this Commerce person does. Happy Friday!

The Google Test

Search for: i hate unc
Results returned: 233,000

Search for: i hate duke
Results returned: 1,920,000

How can you argue with Google? We all know they are the final arbiter of all life's decisions. (Not that most readers of my blog would think otherwise about Duke anyway.)

I always miss Chapel Hill during the basketball season most on Duke game days. When I'm somewhere else people are just walking around like it's a normal day. They ask about rush hour and deadlines and weekend plans. In Chapel Hill, I'd grab a DTH with everyone else to read Ian Williams' column even though we have it memorized. I'd spend the day hearing the random cries of well-deserved threats aimed at Duke, with even normally sedate professors chiming in. I'd be swept up in the half exuberant and half anxious energy enveloping campus that makes you think we can do anything.

Instead, I will fight rush hours crowds and make my deadlines and discuss my weekend plans in my Carolina blue shirt and argyle socks and Tar Heel earrings that no one else will notice because they don't understand it's not just another day.

But with 1.9 million reasons on Google, just from one side of the debate, I'm hardly alone.

Now if I can just get to sleep so I have energy tomorrow to yell
GO TO HELL DUKE!!!!

This settles it

I will not have a kid unless I can dress like M.I.A whilst pregnant:

I'll be ok, however, if I can't perform at the Grammy's on my due date. But seriously, I can't move like that without a watermelon inside me, I don't know how she didn't give birth right on the stage with all that gyrating she was doing. Though I am really interested as to what she'll name her kid. I'm going with Alfred William Oliver Lawrence aka A.W.O.L.

I do have to thank her and Jay Z and Kanye and those other dudes I didn't recognize at first for giving me my new favorite rap line: "you can pay for school, but you can't buy class."

And clearly nothing says class like a see-through ladybug-esque sheath when you're nine months pregnant. Yes, M.I.A, truly no one else has your "swagga."

What NOT to do on the Metro

I want anyone who Googles any of these things to be directed to my site, because I have a little story about unacceptable Metro/public/anytime behavior.

Why people on the metro suck
Rude people on the metro
I have a staring problem on the metro, is that ok?
Things NOT to do on public transportation
Unacceptable public behavior

I will begrudgingly give you that continuing to attempt small talk with me when I have in earphones, am reading a book, and have my "I'm a bitch" face on, could most likely be construed as a lack of understanding normal social cues.

However, sitting beside me and proceeding to unabashedly stare at me, from three inches away, is not ok. When I realize you are staring, look up and actually jump because it surprises me, and you STILL STARE, even more not ok. Creeping me out so much that I have to get off at a metro stop that's not mine, just to get away from you, is NOT ACCEPTABLE.

To the creepy guy that did all of this, you should know that I found my pepper spray and am re-adopting my college motto of "spray first, ask questions later." So good luck.

And you should also know, my prison-experience TV show of choice has been Prison Break, and not The Wire. As a result, I'm not that afraid of prison. It turns out it's alarmingly easy to escape them on several continents, and has hot shirtless guys. Did I mention I am also trained in trachea breaking, eye gouging, and shouting "NO!" whilst running away?

I don't think people understand that while I have no ass and a slight Southern accent, I have a temper that rivals John McEnroe, Naomi Campbell, and Christian Bale, combined.

Starbucks reprieve (for now)

Today I took my chances at one of the three Starbucks on King St. – figuring I would eliminate them one at time – and they did still have my apple cider. Whew. Don’t worry, you can all rest easy now. Aunt Traci, I hope this means you are still able to get one, too.

Maybe because she could sense my desperation, or because it wil be the last one she makes this “season,” the barista coated my whip cream in caramel sauce, just how I like it.

I did, however, still pick up a comment form because I will be letting Mrs. Star and Mr. Bucks know how I feel.

And sadly, Brandie, I feel I am now forced to concede your point, they aren’t real baristas if they are at a Safeway or Barnes and Noble. Your cold-hearted MBAness has corrupted me; I hope you're happy.

Death to Starbucks!

Conversation I had with the barista at the Starbucks in the Barnes and Noble today.

Me: A grande caramel apple cider, please.
Barista: We don't have those anymore, it's seasonal.
Me: But...it's still winter.
Barista: Yeah...but...
Me: Fine, I'll have tea.
Barista: Iced or hot?
Me: You have iced tea but not apple cider?!
Barista: Umm...yeah...

This is unacceptable. They never take it off the menu this early. There are only two things I drink at Starbucks, this and iced tea, usually the timing is perfect. I refuse to accept this. I will continue to ask for my drink at every Starbucks in Washington until I get my caramel apple cider!

And, also, they have hot coffee all year, why can't they have hot apple cider? It's not like apple juice is seasonal, and that's all it is.

I'm writing a letter to them, too. I have a lot of letters to write, actually. Them, Sarah Palin, the National History Museum, Bojangles, and a few others I'll think of later.