An Open Letter to the Pretty Little Liars

I realize that I'm 29 and possibly shouldn't be watching a show about teenagers. I also realize, as the roommate once pointed out, that the show isn't exactly meant to be realistic. However, as I've become quite emotionally invested in/obsessed with this show, I can't just sit idly by while these characters make such poor decisions. So, attention Emily, Hanna, Aria, and Spencer:

1. Stop going to scary places at night. Especially the woods. Seriously, have you never seen a horror movie? Nothing good is ever going to happen to four teenage girls alone in the woods.
2. But, if you insist on finding yourselves in scary places in the dark, keep a flashlight on your person at all times. Maybe even spring for one of those high-powered spotlights. Also, consider looking into some weaponry, or at the very least, a self defense class. I think all of us would feel better if you would just learn to break someone's trachea.
3. Stop keeping secrets from each other! Every episode you learn some shocking new thing and keep it from each other, even though at least one other person is also being tormented by it. Gosh, the fact that I even have to explain that to you, it's no wonder you're being stalked.
4. Anytime you go into a room, close all blinds and curtains. Get multiple locks for every door in your home and get a house alarm. A good one.
5. Find someone smart and have them create some sort of attachable mirror, like on a car, that you can wear so you always know when someone is behind you.
6. If something bad happens, it's 99% likely it's A. So stop, especially you Aria, with the confused, doe-eyed "who would want to hurt little ole us" schtick.
7. Consider just leaving Rosewood. Seriously. For 4 17ish year olds, y'all have seen, done, and know entirely too much. It's veering into "One Tree Hill" territory in terms of how much bad stuff can happen in one small town. (And I swear, if you make the most evil character need a heart transplant and then have a dog steal the heart out of a cooler in the hospital, I will stop watching.)
8. Figure out a way to make Toby be not bad, not A, and not a terrible jerk who is ruining all men for Spencer in the future.

Thank you for your time. I will now go back to doing adult things like paying bills, emptying the dishwasher, and wearing below-the-knee skirts.*


*Haha, fooled you. That's not happening now/ever.